Please don’t judge, it started as an amusing diversion from the blank page and has turned into a bit of a secret obsession (far worse than looking at videos of cute cats on the internet). I have found that the reviewers themselves tend to fall in distinct categories….. Let me know in the comments section if you can think of any that I missed.
1. A Page One-er.
This person obviously hasn’t read the book and is having a bad day. Usually has the words “I only read X amount” in it. Followed by “and I always finish books”. If you see this person has reviewed another book there will be the same sentence in that review as well. – Juries out on whether this person is physically able to finish any book.
2. The Family Member.
Genus a. Over-excitement
These reviews usually read like the Author has just discovered the cure for the ills of Mankind. You will regret it if you don’t buy this book and you will be missing the literary event of the decade, no, the century! This is such an amazing book that it can cure all known diseases and bring about peace in the middle-east……
Genus b. Guilt
My Brother/Sister/Friend etc has spent nineteen years writing this book and I know how hard it has been for them. I’ve been with them since the start and you pesky readers should be honored to even view the dust jacket graphic of this book. This author will starve, starve I tell you, unless you download this RIGHT NOW!
Genus b. Threatening
This is an excellent book and I happen to know the author. In fact they are a member of my family. I feel very strongly about family. Did I mention that just like the gangsters in this thriller I am Sicilian? Well, you know how we feel about family.
Genus c. Denial
Now, I don’t personally know the author but this was a really exceptional read…. (Why on earth would you say in a review that you don’t know the author unless a friend or family member has told you that you are not allowed to know them for the purposes of the review. What reason would you have for personally knowing the author?)
3. The Literary Critic
This person is a wannabe author/editor and will take great pains to explain just why the dramatic arc did not obey any of the rules of (insert principle of well-known “write a book” author). We are unsure whether this person is irreparably filled with hatred and self-loathing but we think it might have something to do with the manuscript for their first novel which they have never finished. There is also the Critic that has finished the manuscript and received countless rejections down the traditional publishing routes; who holds staunchly to the believe that self-publishing is “Vanity Press” and should be banned.
4. The Angry Man or Woman
This reviewer believes that the book is the sole reason for the continuing collapse of Western Civilisation as we know it. In fact the book is so bad it has just started a sequence of events that will eventually lead to Armageddon. Accompanied by statements of “If I could have left a review of less than one star, I would have.”
5. The Genre
This person for some reason will have completely ignored all the sign posts for what the book is about including the blurb which mentions ten times in ten different ways that the book is a thriller set in the fourteenth century. They will say things like I don’t like thrillers and take issue with the fourteenth century, informing you that this is definitely the worst century of this period and had the author chosen to write a romance about the fifteenth century all would have been well.
6. The Genuine Reviewer
They read the book, they liked it or even didn’t like it but they tell you in plain and simple terms “why” on both counts. If you spot one of these, send them my way, they can have copies of my debut for free and they would be worth it.
So, which reviewer did I miss? As always comments welcome.
- Musings – DODGING THE FLYING POOP, or… (mimiandmona.wordpress.com)
- My 7 Tips for Book Reviews and Book Endorsements by Anita (selfpubauthors.com)
- Social media scamsters (salon.com)